An external fix can only provide a brief self-esteem bump. Patients frequently tell me they start believing in themselves when they do something that earns recognition from others-preferably hundreds if not thousands of others. It would be a great idea to piggyback from this feedback and start compiling your own list of traits you like about yourself.” Self-esteem is an inside job I say, “These traits, observed by others are real verifiable. I suggest they put these comments on post-its and sprinkle them around their home-on the refrigerator, desktop, bathroom mirror, nightstand. Understandably, my patients are shocked, often to the point of tears, at these revelations. At the subsequent session, I am usually presented with a rainbow of appreciative comments received: you’re so thoughtful, always bringing coffee even when I don’t ask I’m always blown away by what a good mother you are you’re so resilient, always bouncing back from setbacks. I emphasize that only people who are positive, not toxic, should be enlisted. I tell my patients, “It was an ‘a-ha’ moment for me to hear these lovely things near-strangers had observed about me in a half-hour’s time, things I’d never have thought about myself because I was too busy being my own worst enemy … Sometimes it takes an outsider to help us realize the beauty inside ourselves.” I suggest patients perform a version of this exercise by emailing trusted friends and family with a request to share qualities they admire in this person.

Though the workshop was 15 years ago, I still have the list of accolades I wrote down: funny, pretty eyes, great laugh, good dresser, smart, kind. People took turns saying nice things they’d observed about the person sitting outside the circle.

Then, one by one, each person was given a pad and pen, and asked to move slightly outside the circle and turn their back-out of eyeshot but still able to hear everything said. I once took part in an exercise during a human potential workshop where participants started by sitting in a circle and introducing themselves. I often smile and inquire, “How many traits can you name that you don’t like?” Typically that list is endless. When I ask patients suffering from low self-esteem to name a few traits they like about themselves, the majority struggle to come up with one or two. Ask trusted loved ones what they value about you Refuting a negative pattern with a positive one may start you on the slow but essential journey toward positive self-regard. Snapping the rubber band can jolt you into suspending the negative thought train before you spiral further off-track. Then, replace the self-denigrating thought with a positive, nourishing one-something concrete_,_ like “I’m great at my job or else my boss wouldn’t have given me a raise last month”. Each time you find yourself thinking something like, “I’m terrible at my job and my boss is going to fire me,” snap the rubber band. A simple but effective action is to wear a rubberband around your wrist. Once we become aware of an unhealthy psychological junk food habit I recommend that patients begin counteracting it. I recommend that people prone to self-attack keep a journal, not necessarily to document each denigrating thought, but as a way to track how often negative thoughts arise. These thoughts are background noise barely registering on a conscious level but they cultivate self-hatred nevertheless. Many people have a running commentary of dysfunctional thoughts.

Just as we wreck our physical health if we feed our bodies a diet of junk food, so too we damage our mental health if we offer our mind only negative thoughts. Here are some steps to build new patterns: Keep a negativity journal When a patient comes into my office certain of only one thing-that they are unworthy-I do my best to challenge those beliefs and pave the way for a more realistic and positive self-image to form. I’ve spent 10 years counseling people, many with very low self-esteem.

Our negative habits can become so entrenched, we may overlook the damage it causes on our psyche. Once that belief takes hold, it can be hard to shake. The result is that we might start believing we do not deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.

Dont sleep out of self hatred